I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
