i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
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