Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
