did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize