the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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