how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
