i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I need to align my fucking chakras
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
