Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Randomize
