Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
