College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Found your dick twin last night
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
A bitchslap is in order.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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