is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Vodka?
Forever.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Randomize
