woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Randomize
