they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
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