i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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