just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
