it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
