I want to make a zoo with you.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize