Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
