The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
