hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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