swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
