I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
