It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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