Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
