Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Randomize