When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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