My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
