Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize