Your mouth is God's brothel.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
