You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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