Who wears a wallet chain?!
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
