Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Randomize
