OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
