so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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