the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
that is very illegal...i love you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
