Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
