absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
