So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Randomize
