epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
