Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
