Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
OPIZZABONMYDICK
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
