Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
