Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
