Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
