Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
