Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
