So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
