dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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