Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
