We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
