He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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