I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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