Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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