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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
