If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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