Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize