I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
