The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
