Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
