I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
