It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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