All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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