Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
