this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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