actually, I'm a sock model
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
