How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize